You’re gonna miss this
And I know how trite that sounds
When its not my kid
kicking and screaming on the floor
But please
Please listen to me
Cuz you’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna miss
when the worst case scenarios
mean picking them up and carrying them out
Because you won’t be able to do that soon
And you’ll have to help them find ways
to pick themselves up before long
And you’re gonna miss when you had the power
to hold them and brush your hand over the head
and sweep away their fears
Because it won’t be long until
they are confronting those things alone,
on their own,
because they know they need to
You’re gonna miss coming home
to their projects across the dining room table
and sprawled over the floor
and outlined in crayon on the wall
Because there will be a day
when the first person they call
when they are proud of their work
is their lover
and you rightfully fall second chair
And you’re gonna miss when their voices
carried loudly as they fought amongst each other
over who took too much and stole whose horsey
and who farted three inches from whose face
Because there will be a day
when your house falls silent and still
and the echo of them running thru the halls
has become a ghost you only see for Sunday dinner
and holidays
and God forbid if bad news brings them home.
You’re gonna miss this.
You’re gonna ache for every single opportunity you missed
to wrap your arms around them
because you were too busy being insistent and exhausted
to listen to those that walked before you,
too stubborn to learn from their mistakes
and too determined on making the same ones yourself
You’re gonna miss their little voices
and maybe not as much as their laughter
but yes, you’ll miss the whining too
Not because you love it now
but because you missed it
You missed it as an opportunity to listen
To show them you had patience on their worst day
To show them you were willing to put down your phone
and turn your body toward them
and teach them how much you value them
Teach them they are valuable
before someone tries to teach them that they’re not
You’re gonna miss the clues
that they needed you to lie down your history
and your fear of what that lady over there is thinking
and ask yourself
what you and this child think of one another instead.
You’re going to miss this
And I’m speaking to you as someone who knows
As someone who was told the same thing and thought
it was just the nostalgic postulations
of old ladies with fuzzy memories
and a pension for testing my patience
right along with this young one in front of me
But it doesn’t take an old lady to see it
You can see it right now
Remember when you took this amazing person
in your arms for the first time?
Remember watching her root for your breast?
Remember how tiny his fingernails were
and how impossibly overwhelming it was
when you saw the whole universe
in those dark blue eyes?
How fast has THAT gone?
How many gazes did you miss
because of laundry
and American Idol
and your news feed pulling you away?
How many tiny gaping yawns
did you not count
or how many sneezes
did you not get to smile at?
Right now in this moment
is one of those little things
A new word tried on for the first time
or a crooked upturned lip
or a sparkle that is telling you the depths of magic
that is occurring within the synapses of their brain
Right now
with a kicking screaming child on the floor
is a memory being etched into the corners of your brain
A memory that will make you laugh
when you see them walking down the aisles of their life,
turning pages
and writing stories with their foot fall.
I know it seems impossible, I know.
Because I’ve been there too,
biding my hours until the hardest yrs were past
But in just a few short breaths
you’ll ache to run your fingers
thru their fine and matted hair,
you’ll stare out windows
remembering their squeaky voice for hours,
and your hardest work will be over
Your role will be one only of observer
and encourager
and reminderer of how quickly it passes
and how much they’re gonna miss
what they don’t allow themselves to savor now
You’re gonna miss this
Unless you allow yourself to slow down
Breathe
Forgive yourself for being human
because that’s not helping anyone
And just observe
Observe the expression that dances across their face
And the way they approach life
with tenacity and audacity
and curiosity
Observe the way they reach out for you
and the softness of their squirrelly cheeks
And just listen
To their songs
and their endless relentless and exhausting questions
And you know even then
when you know you’ve done the best you could
You’re gonna miss this
It’ll still past too fast
And you’ll still be waving them off
as they jump into a crazy world
independent and daring and scaring you
As you recall every moment you slowed down
and savored the sacred voice and motion and electricity
they brought into your world
You’re going to miss this
no way around it
But hopefully you’ll do so
with a few more sacred memories to pull out
of shoeboxes and card files and dusty corners
To tell at weddings and baby showers
and Sunday dinners around that etched and splattered
knotted kitchen table
No matter what you’re gonna miss this
But will you be able to do so
with the full acknowledgment that you tried your damnedest not to?
Will you look back and say
you wrapped your fingers around single moment
that tried to slip away
between phone calls and cartoons and the exploding washing machine?
Will you know you did the most you could
to funnel every bit of energy
into nothing more than quieting your To Do list,
quieting your mind,
slowing down your breath,
sitting still and simply watching
what is shaping the stories you’ll someday tell?
Tara Wagner, March 9 2013
